I enjoy a good acronym or three.
WOUB.org is putting the finishing touches on an article about my latest musical endeavor which is only relevant here because I strung three acronyms together this morning while politely refusing to stream one of my old songs along with the article.
“Naturally, if you just want it for personal use, I’d be happy to hook you with an OSJB OMG MP3″
To be fair, WOUB reporter Elliot Nicolson started the acronym abuse!
“Polishing up the Leave Corp article now. I was wondering, would it be possible that you send me an mp3 of Oh My God by OSJB?”
I wrote that song (OMG,) when I was 17, almost 22 years ago, just one short year after I finished my longest acronym.
C’mon. I dare you. Find a longer acronym, punk!
You won’t find it at AcronymFinder.com, but when I was a kid my friend and I would try to memorize really long acronyms of nonsensical pop culture phrases. I think I won when I could recite this doozy -
…Not saying I could do it in one breath, but I did it! I’m not going to bother counting that now, but according to 16-year-old me, that was a 94 character acronym.
I don’t know what all of it stands for, but here’s what I remember, (with the lost-to-us parts in parens.)
Osculate my posterior you pre-pubescent anal excretion. Big f*ckin’ deal. Whoopy f*ckin’ doo. Your mother and her howling commandos. (WBCHTP) My pistol is loaded. I shot Betty Crocker. Deliver Colonel Sanders down to Davey Jones’ locker. Ohio Meadville District Youth-Adult Committee. (KKKJDTBCJBLOODYX) The black glove cult of gynecologists of death. (IDTDODAFNFO) The kingdom of big Rankin tape. (BYGD)
But what does it MEAN?!
Some of it is self-explanatory, like that first bit, which is long-winded douche-speak for, “Kiss my *ss you little sh*t.”
YMAHHC, (acronym pronounced Y-M-A-double-H-C) was my first band, named after a similarly named comic book. The main character, Sgt. Nick Fury, is also the head of, S.H.I.E.L.D. Acronym coincidence? I think not.
Worst Fencing Club Name Ever
The Black Glove Cult of GOD was my fencing team. We each wore a single black glove and quickly got in trouble for our inappropriate name after posting flyers after-hours all over the high school. The mini-posters depicted a black glove surrounded by text, “The Black Glove Cult of G.O.D. – Join our ranks.”
School administration was certain beloved Shaker Heights High School had been infiltrated by a cult. They called an emergency early morning teacher meeting the next day for triage damage control wherein our honors English teacher exclaimed, “Some kids in my class wear black gloves!” We had to take down all of our flyers.
TKOBRT is more convoluted. Mr. Rankin was an honors chemistry teacher. The tape was a roll of duct tape, duct-taped to the side of a bus in West Germany. The Kingdom consisted of band nerds on said bus. All kingdom dwellers got their own fancy title. I did NOT earn “Minister of Chill” but co-opted that title for my first business cards a decade later. TKOBRT even had a battle hymn/fight song. (With apologies to Alice Cooper.)
I wanna hit you with a really big stick. (BIG STICK!)
I wanna poke your eyes out with my favorite pocket knife. (POCKET KNIFE!)
Cuz you’re poison running through my veins.
I can’t stand the site of your brains.
You’re poison. And you smell bad too. I hate you.
I wrote none of that awesome garbage but I’m guilty of remembering it.Dan Dreifort will be a bachelor for only another month or so, ladies. You missed your chance. For you, he would have recited an even longer acronym. Dan Dreifort makes little changes to companies’ websites to make those companies more money. He will be first against the wall come the revolution.